grief

 in late january, a lifelong friend of mine called me to tell me a close mutual friend went into heart failure and would not be alive much longer. this close friend fought a demon called alcoholism...and it killed him in the end. we knew he didn't have a long time left and i had been figuring out when i could get back home to see him before it was too late. i asked my friend if he thought our friend would be alive in another 24 hours...could i make it to say goodbye before he passed. he didn't know. i hemmed and hawed. finally, my fifteen year old son called me out. "mom," he said, "why haven't you already left? this is your friend." he was right. before getting married and having a family, i would not have hesitated even a millisecond to just go and hope i could make it. so we left a couple hours later. i prayed for the whole 12 hour trip that my friend would hold out long enough. we arrived at 3am, and after talking to his ex-wife, decided to get a couple hours of sleep before heading to the hospital. i made it in time. he knew i was there. i told him since he wasn't going to come see me, i decided to come see him. he couldn't really talk much, but i took his hand and he looked at me a couple times as if trying to believe i was really there. i sat with him and his family for eight hours. he died 12 hours later. i wasn't able to be at his funeral a week later because we had to pivot.

shortly after we got home, my sister-in-law texted me to tell me that her husband, who has been fighting synovial sarcoma for three years had gotten a not-so-great report and they were going to try an aggressive chemo starting the next week. my husband has driven up and sat with his brother through several chemo rounds and we debated about this one. he wasn't sure he wanted to drive up after having just got back home. however, with my regret of not getting back home to see my friend while he was still up and around as a fresh perspective, i told him i thought he should go. that i didn't want him to ever regret not being there like i did. he went.

the week started out normally. and then it went downhill. fast. my brother and sister-in-law are our favorite people in the world. my husband kept calling and texting me how quickly things were going downhill. and soon it became evident that the end was very near. so the kids and i pivoted again. we knew we would be coming up for a funeral and to spend time with the cousins. i didn't feel guilty about not coming to say goodbye to him because we said goodbye every single time we left. i always knew i might not see him again. but reality is not a hypothetical. we will have his funeral on saturday. and as his wife told me tonight, it still feels like he's just gone somewhere, he will be back. but reality is, he won't. and there is a huge gaping hole in all our hearts that he used to fill. i know i will see him again One Day, but it hurts in the present. 

this year has not been kind. i feel numb in so many ways, but then the tears come and the hurt wells up and i wonder if it will ever not hurt. and then i remember, i've been through grief before. it doesn't ever not hurt. it just hurts differently. and God can be seen in the grief. this has been no surprise to Him. He knew that there would not be twelve more weeks of chemo to try to get through, He knew and moved our hearts to the right places at the right times. He used my friend's death to prompt me to push my husband to go be with his brother. those kindnesses make the difference. seeing His hand in it doesn't lessen the pain, but makes it the tiniest bit more bearable. 

grief has always made me numb. but grief upon grief. it's a lot to carry. and we are only just barely in march. it makes me long for Home. no more tears. no more sadness. no more death. just Jesus. 

joy

we could never gather if we never parted,

we who dance are also doomed to mourn

let us keep the feast, for by it we remember

that our sorrow keeps us tethered to our joy

 -arcadian wild, "the end"

for almost 20 years i have lived with depression as my constant companion. it hasn't all been bad, but there are times when he swoops in, undetected by me, and knocks me off my feet. grief from long past squeezes my heart and the sting of it, though different, is raw. often it's just a quick passing, but for the last week or so, it has been deeply intense. tears springing to my eyes when i'm not expecting it. inability to focus. seeking more and more time by myself...which just doesn't work when four kids are in the (not big) house. 

and the old grief, where as it has been sharp, is compounded by grief i am currently living through. long goodbyes are hell. and they are also a gift. sneaking time that i know is limited...capturing images in my head that i desperately want to last. knowing that there is nothing i can do to stop the progression of life to it's determined end. 

and each grief makes me long all the more for my good Father who has this remarkable feast planned for all of us one day. where we can finally gaze upon His face...together. because God created us to be in community....here and there. and i have to believe that if the awe ever gives way to anything else - it will be pure joy and laughter. and my heart longs for that gift of the Father.

our sorrow here "keeps us tethered to our joy". so whereas my constant companion isn't welcome most of the time, i have found cause to also be thankful for him. 

enough

 a few weeks ago, i took a picture of my kitchen table. amongst many other things resting on it, there was a chainsaw, reusable water balloons and their five-gallon bucket, baskets of random homeschool supplies, and a number of duplo creations. i was in the middle of reorganizing my homeschool supplies and curriculum...as well as working on about five other projects. 

when i looked at the picture, i thought, "this is what the inside of my brain must look like."

balancing so many projects around the house and learning new skills i never thought i would need, trying to figure out how to best care for aging parents, aching to be there for my brother and sister-in-law as they battle his stage IV cancer, looking at school starting in two weeks and not even fully having all my curriculum picked out, let along ordered...and so many other details that threaten to drown me. and i wonder, how do people do this?

and the answer i keep coming back to is simply this: Jesus. my head and heart have been noisy places and i long for the peace that can only be found in Him. so why must i keep reaching back out and holding on to all these things that weigh me down? depression is my constant companion and screams at me that i'm not enough, that i can't do it all, that i'm not worth the time. but Jesus, His quiet voice tells me that He is enough. 

i'm thankful He walked in our shoes and can sympathize with our weakness. i'm thankful He holds us together. i'm thankful He holds me together. 

walls

over the weekend, i decided it was time to turn a basement room that we affectionately call "the duck room" into a usable space - an exercise/storage/play room of sorts. now, this room is the one with the hot water heater, the hvac system, and all the pipes that head out to the septic tank flowing through it. it has housed too many chickens to count, at least eight ducks, a stray puppy, and two rabbits. and it hasn't been treated well. so i got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed the floor like it has probably never been scrubbed before. gross. but i got it done and was so excited to move onto the next step of my grand plan. 

i know it's backwards, but i just want the space to be usable, so i was going to lay down some carpet squares next and worry about fixing the paneled wall later. 

then i realized it. 

i like to do things the right way. even if i am jumping into them with little thought, i want it done right. so last night, i convinced my husband that we should do this the right way...which involved moving a couple of bookshelves and many other heavy boxes. we were going to stop there, but then i wanted to see what we were dealing with behind the paneling. so i tore one off. and i was delighted to find insulation that was in decent shape - enough so that i don't need to replace it! 

and when you give a mouse a cookie...all of the paneling comes down! 

so now i have to find a dry day to go get some drywall and start that process. i'm just so excited to get this room usable (it won't be done for many long years). probably the hardest part for me will be deciding what color to paint it. right now, that room is white. it's not in my heart to keep it that color.

you know, life has taught me to be cautious...but i still find myself sometimes willing to jump in with both feet and pure reckless abandon. a wall is a small thing, but it's something.

maybe He is breaking down some of my walls, too.

birthday

 here i sit on my 46th birthday, sneaking a bit of my chocolate cake and watching spiderman...thinking that there are things i should be reflecting on this evening while the house is quiet. a sweet friend of mine gave me three questions many years ago to ponder when this day comes around each year. so here goes.

three things i'm thankful for from this past year.

    1) we didn't take any vacations this year because my husband used up most of his time off going to PA to be with his brother through his chemo treatments. that left me with lots of time with my kids, which i treasure. we didn't necessarily get out and do more things, but just had time together. and we had some extra time with our extended family, which is always time we are thankful for.

    2) i'm thankful for our growth group and our ELL class on monday nights. i haven't made a lot of close friends here yet and being in a small growth group is giving me an opportunity to get to know some others on a deeper level - which is where i prefer to be. i'm thankful for these people who pray for us and who we pray for. i'm also thankful for the ELL classes - monday nights are just my favorite night of the week. i may have had the worst of days going in, but i always come out joyful. that is a gift. 

    3) i'm thankful that God doesn't give up on me. i haven't been in the best of places mentally or spiritually this year, but in the deepest and darkest of moments, i've felt God holding me together - as He holds all things together.

three things i hope to see happen this year

    1) i hope to see all of my kids love Jesus with their whole hearts and seeking to follow after Him.

    2) i hope to see all our debt (except the house) paid off and nothing new taken on!

    3) if i'm being completely open and honest, i hope to see myself get back to a healthy place - spiritually, mentally, and physically. 

three things i learned

    1) i learned that it is ok to say, "i just need a break" when life gets to be too much. this past year we pulled out of many things because life got to be a bit too much. and the world didn't end when we did - it kept going. and it gave us the time we needed to breathe and heal a bit.

    2) i learned that i still need God's help to love people that are hard (for me) to love - especially when they live in my house. and if i'm not prayed up and saturated with the Word, i really mess things up.

    3) i feel like i've been learning this lesson for the last 20 years - continually. but i'm still learning that God has it. whatever "it" may be, God has it. He hears the cries of my heart and He is in control and He is good - even if it is hard. 

2023

as i write this, we have two full days left of 2023. today and tomorrow. most of that is going to be spent moving too fast to stop and ponder, so now, while the house is quiet, i can think.

2023 has not been my favorite year. it started out with a stage iv cancer diagnosis for my beloved brother-in-law just a couple weeks after his 40th birthday. during that same time, it became evident that my 19-year old step-daughter needed out of her situation at home and we brought her to live with us. while i am thankful that she is out of that situation and she is making progress, it has been exhausting. the home she grew up in and her ideals are very different from ours. we also pulled out of our old church during that time for multiple reasons and it seemed to cause a domino effect that ended with the church shutting its doors. that was a shock. we started attending another church that we really enjoyed - only to discover that they were planting a new church on our side of town. so effectively, we have been members of three churches this year. that is a lot of change in a short time. during all these things, i started having some heart issues - i guess the human heart can only hold so much. and then thing after thing started to break - we'd pay one off just to walk right into the next - for the rest of the year. then my 21 year old step-daughter informed us that we are going to be grandparents...dropping out of nursing school and moving in with her now fiancé. and we are so excited to be grandparents and i have a good sized library to hand over to her next month that has been an absolute labor of love, but i had hoped she would get to experience more before she became the amazing mother i know she will be. 

and so, i am not sorry to say goodbye to 2023. but i do need to find things i am thankful for...because even in the hardest of situations, there are things to be thankful for. so here are a few:

i am thankful for extra time we got with our family in PA this year when visiting my brother-in-law. and even if it wasn't all of us, my husband and his brother became much closer as he went up as often as he could to sit with his brother during his weeks in the hospital with chemo. my husband is good at sitting with people in the hospital. 

i am thankful that a lot of good (and hard) conversations have happened with my step-daughter. i've learned a lot about ADHD and what a beast it is. i've been stretched immensely, but am thankful that God hears my prayers and that i can trust that this is His plan.

i am so thankful for our church plant. it's easily the healthiest one i have seen, let alone been part of. i am thankful to finally dig in and get to know people and have my kids get involved (they were a bit shell shocked with all the change). i am thankful it is much closer to our house. and i am thankful for the opportunities that are ahead.

i am thankful that my heart issues are not more serious. i'm thankful for a really cool opportunity to see just what my heart looks like in an ultrasound. and i'm thankful for medicine that can keep some things in check.

i'm thankful that God knows our needs and satisfies them in His ways. i'm thankful for His timing and that He takes care of us and provides the funds we need when we need them.

and i am thankful that my oldest step-daughter lives closer so we get to see her a bit more often. i am thankful that she likes spending time with us and that we get to be grandparents. i am thankful that she and her fiancé are attending a church and trying to figure things out. i'm thankful for open and honest communication with her. and i'm thankful that she has loads of experience with babies and that she and baby are healthy.

i'm thankful that even though my depression has gotten the better of me more times this year than i care to remember, that God is with me every step of the way. that i can anchor to Him in the darkness and trust that He will guide me in His ways. 

i'm thankful for the ELL ministry i am part of for the second year now. mondays are my favorite evenings of the week. it is just fun. internationals are pretty amazing people and i'm thankful we get to share Jesus with them and help them function better in this community they find themselves in. 

and i'm thankful for my family who has loved me through this year. there have been times when i simply couldn't take on one more thing, no matter how small. we pulled out of a lot of things because we were all struggling - primarily with my brother-in-law's cancer diagnosis. but we have also pulled together and genuinely enjoy one another (most of the time). and while the cancer diagnosis has not been resolved and the year ahead is just as unknown, i feel like the breaking down of this past year has been God trying to build us up a little stronger - a little more trusting in Him. 

finally, i'm thankful that God has not seen fit to just leave me where i am. i am thankful that He still pursues me. i am thankful He is pursuing my children and pray their hearts will be open. i am thankful that He can carry all the worry and stress that i cannot. 

so, here's to hoping 2024 might be a bit brighter. but really, i'm just praying that we can all find that Jesus is more than sufficient for each of us. 

happy new year, friends. 

planner

my husband always tells people that i am a planner. i guess by necessity i am - and maybe the older i get, the more i like to have a plan. but i'm also not sure i like being pigeon-holed because it just doesn't paint the full picture. 

i'm also the girl who couldn't sit still for more than two years at a time (and let's be real here, i still struggle with that - not a month after we moved in here, i was trying to figure out where we were going next). i'm the girl who would spend her last $50 on gas to go see a friend in the next state. i'm still the girl who would declare a "random beach day" and head there after work. and deep down, i'm still that girl. but three kids later, there are a few more things that need to be in place for me to just jump. but if it's just me, i'll be on the road tomorrow to head to the beach. 

i'm the girl who will jump whole-heartedly into a project only to realize i really have no idea what i'm doing and wing it from there on out (or call in help if it's something important). i'm the one who signs up to be the assistant teacher of a crocheting class even though i have no idea how to crochet more than one stitch. i'm the one who gets chickens and when it's time to put them outside, still hasn't built the coop. but maybe it's my lack of "planner-ness" that enables me to roll with whatever comes. or maybe life has just knocked any sense of control out of me. 

come to think of it, that's probably the more realistic thing here. there was a time in my life when i thought i had control of the things that happened in my life...only to realize i have zero control. and i'm ok with that...mostly. and i think that comes from a faith that has been through fire...and i'm sure will be through much more before all is said and done...because there is so much more room for growth. it comes from all but walking away from my faith but being chased down by what one of my favorite authors calls "the furious love of God". 

i'm still blown away that He wants me. 

me, who just can't seem to let things go. me, who can't get it right, no matter how much i want to. me, who falls so short every single day. me, who sometimes let's her grief get the best of her. me, whose depression eats at her while she tries to stay afloat. me, who loves so deeply, but so imperfectly. 

but God. 

and that right there is my story. His grace is my reality. now and always. and i'm so thankful for that. 

i'm thankful that God is a planner. and not only a planner, but the Master Planner. and what a ridiculous plan - to send His Son as a helpless baby, to put on this flesh and to step into His own creation. and yet, such a marvelous, perfect plan. and so humbling. God, nailed to a tree to die in my place. 

i'm so thankful He knows what He is doing. and i'm so thankful i can trust that His hand is good. . 

dream

for nearly 20 years, i have had some variation of the same dream. it's not one i will disclose here, nor do i ever talk about it. but i often wonder about it. 

the Bible tells me that "dreams come with many cares" (Ecclesiastes 5:3 NIV). but i find this particular dream happens even when my mind is as carefree as it ever can be. though it also happens when i am in the depths of cares. 

over the years, i've decided that when the dream comes along, i'm meant to pray. the maddening thing is that i don't know what i am supposed to be praying for. the comforting thing is that God knows exactly what it is, even if He doesn't let me in on it. 

two nights ago, i had the dream. i woke up contemplative. i prayed. and prayed. and prayed. and i felt a tenderness of God wrapping me in His arms. i had gone to bed happy and not thinking of anything to do with said dream, but woke up with my heart heavy and it continues on this week. so i continue to pray. and trust that God is active and loving and good even when i am blind to what He is accomplishing.

if i didn't believe this dream was from my Father, i would literally be driven crazy. but i believe He has His reasons. i learned long ago to just trust those. 

because He is so, so good. 

love

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

Romans 8:38-39

this idea keeps popping up in my life this week. in sharing with some visitors, reading it with my kids tonight, and through song lyrics of an old favorite. these might be some of the most comforting words in the Bible to someone like me who has tested the depths of His love. 

many years ago, i went to hear brennan manning speak, and i vividly remember him proclaiming, "God not only loves me, but he genuinely likes me!" it's a lie that i too often fall prey to, but when i read this passage in romans, how can i not believe it. His love hems me in. and you, too.

you may lose your appetite / your guiding sense of wrong and right / you may lose your will to fight / but you cannot lose My love

-sara groves, "you cannot lose my love"

noisy

 my world is much noisier than it was 12 years ago when i last put anything here. i have tried since then to fill this empty canvas, but nothing seemed right. but why now? i don't really know. i'm pretty sure no one even checks this anymore, so maybe it's because it is a quiet space. maybe it's because there are things inside this butterfly jar waiting to be released. maybe i simply miss my old friend, writing. 

this past year has been... a challenge. there have been times when i literally thought my heart was going to burst open. there have been times when i nearly went bald pulling my hair out. i have seen depths of selfishness in my heart that i didn't realize were still there, i have seen anger that blindsided me that i'm still trying to figure out, and i've felt an old numbness come back and haunt me. 

i feel a bit bruised up. but the one thing i know through it all - God is still good. and He is still holding me together... even when it doesn't feel like it. 

I want to live, I want to love
But I'm afraid my simple faith will never be enough
I want to laugh, I want to be set free
And let you hold all that my soul has deep inside of me
But I don't know where to start
It's on the tip of my heart

-tip of my heart, bebo norman