my new book

"westerners arriving in africa for the first time are always struck by its beauty and size - even the sky seems higher. and they often find themselves suddenly cracked open. they lose inhibitions, feel more alive, more themselves, and they begin to understand why, until then, they have only half lived. in africa the essentials of existence - light, earth, water, food, birth, family, love, sickness, death - are more immediate, more intense. visitors suddenly realize what life is for. to risk a huge generalization: amid our wasteful wealth and time-pressed lives we have lost human values that still abound in africa."

-richard dowden, africa: altered states, ordinary miracles

breathing

i know i've said it, but i love being home.

yesterday, i was siting with two of my longest time friends and as i sat there grinning at what has changed in our lives - and then the things that will probably never change about us, a feeling came over me that i forgot existed. being with them felt comfortable. since the ninth grade, our lives have been woven together, at times more tightly than others, but always together. these friends had a huge influence in shaping who i am today. they know my "dirt" and i know theirs.

tonight i had dinner with two other friends who have had a big impact on my life. and again, that feeling of being comfortable just washed over me and nearly toppled me right over. words wouldn't come to my mind as i just sat and listened and took in the sight of my friends, frantically trying to etch them into my mind in case i don't get back this way for some time.

i got out of my car to go in the house when i returned from dinner this evening and looked up and stopped. dead in my tracks. i haven't seen this clear of a night for some time. so i hopped in my car and took off for a deserted gravel road west of town about 10 miles. tonight is the closest i have seen to the night in uganda when i realized i hadn't a clue about how many stars were really in the sky.

this week i have felt it - i'm breathing. for what feels like the first time in months.

gotta land

"God gives all men all earth to love,
but since man's heart is so small,
ordains for each one spot shall prove beloved over all."
-rudyard kipling

i am looking for my place.
a girl's gotta land somewhere.

Life of Pi

"I have nothing to say of my working life, only that a tie is a noose, and inverted though it is, it will hang a man nonetheless if he's not careful."

-Life of Pi by Yann Martel

That pretty much sums it up.

Changing

About seven months ago, I met a fellow Iowan on my train ride from the airport to my new home in PA. He warned me that staying here for too long would change me, and he didn't want to see that happen to me as it had to him. He had become hardened and life became hectic in the way it does in this region.

His warning has rattled around in my head for the last seven months. Everywhere I have lived has had its impact - making up this mosaic of me. And in the past few weeks, I've had a nagging feeling that a change is taking place. My pace of life has raced from tortoise to hare speed and my level of stress has gone from ocean bottom to the surface of the moon. And as I frantically run along in hopes of keeping up, I mourn the loss of being able to stop and breath without feeling guilty.

I don't share this to complain or fish for sympathy. Each chapter of life is different from the last. I just fear that I have forgotten how to slow down and be in awe of what is around me. And that scares me more than just about anything else.

My Reality...

...is His grace.

A Welcome Friend

I woke up this morning, not to sounds of traffic and high heel shoes on concrete, but to birds singing and other little creatures forewarning me of a coming rainstorm. I looked out my window and didn't see other apartment buildings with a tree here and there, but instead I saw the Smoky Mountains in the distance and countless trees swaying in the gentle breeze. And now I sit in the kitchen of my good friends wondering to myself, why would I not just stay here?

It's not about escaping where I live and all the pressure and frustrations of that place. It's about feeling a peacefulness here that I have never felt where I now live. And certainly there are beauties to be seen there, but its places like this that act as a salve to my soul and beckon me to stay. This is how I am designed.

And even though this is just a momentary escape from the chaotic pace of my new life, it is a welcome friend.