Just Give it Time

People often talk about finding your "happy place" when life gets overwhelming. So tonight I was looking through pics and reliving laughter as I went someplace that brought me tremendous joy, even in the midst of the worst heartache of my life.

Life often doesn't turn out how we plan it. In fact, I'm finding that it rarely does. But I have to continue to believe in the midst of this storm that He's there...and that He's good...and that He has a plan. Even though I feel like He's left me in the dark...He's given me such precious treasures in the past that bring light my present. Friends who have stuck...and whose arms I can fall into when I cannot feel His.

Last week I found this song...and it resonates with the brokenness in my heart. I'm such an impatient person...God's timing and provision just isn't good enough for me so many times. And yet, who am I to tell God when or how to do things? I just have to give it time...His time.

Still waters, heavy hearts
Plans we make all fall apart
Disillusioned and lost in the gray
How can we fix the heart when it breaks?
Don't know how much more you can take

Just give it time
It's gonna get better
Now is not forever at all
Just give it time
Everything changes
Tomorrow comes today will be gone
Everything's gonna be fine
Just give it time, give it time

Quiet landslide when nobody knows
Regretted decisions that nobody chose
Under water and sinking fast
No way out, no way to get back
What might have been is lost in the past

When the world you're in is still again
And it all fades out
You've reached the end, begin again now

Everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright
Just give it time

-Jon McLaughlin, "Just Give it Time"

Simply Amazing

I confess, sometimes I wonder if God really knows what He is doing. Sometimes I wonder if He really cares about what is going on in my life when He's got a whole world full of people with problems far more serious than mine. But then, I have to stop and realize that the image of God I have is far too small.

Last night, I listened to a talk with a friend of mine given by Louie Giglio. He was challenging this skewed view of God. Isaiah 40:12 talks about how God measures the span of the universe with His hand. The vastness of the universe is beyond me...and yet it's tiny in comparison to God.

In reality, this makes me feel tiny. Possibly insignificant. I mean, God has to keep things moving...stars are constantly being born. He's got to keep our galaxy in order so that we don't burn up or freeze to death...but the mere fact that He does this very thing says a lot. And while He made all this beauty to reflect Himself and to bring glory to Him...we get the privilege of "discovering" it (as Louie says, I'm sure God laughs every time we "discover" something new). Just take a look at these pics from NASA to see some of the breath-taking views God has given us. These awesome sights ought to cause praise to pour forth from our lips as we begin to grasp, ever so slightly, how big this God is who loves tiny little us.


And incase we miss this somehow, He has placed a reminder in space for us. This is found in the center of the whirlpool galaxy above. Scientists may call it an "X", but see what you think:

The Whirlpool Galaxy is located 37 million light years from the earth. It is more than 100 thousand light years across. It is estimated that there are more than 160 billion stars in this galaxy. This picture was taken by the Hubble Space telescope.

Consequently, after watching this talk with my friend, I read in the Old Testament about Elijah and how God directed him to seek out this widow and her son as God provided daily for them. Sometime thereafter, her son died. And I can hear her anguish as she cries to Elijah, the man of God, asking why her son had died. And then having to entrust this same man with her dead son's body as God allowed him to be raised from the dead through Elijah. In all of this, as senseless as it seems, God had a plan. A plan to reveal Himself to this widow and her son.

Therefore, when I am tempted to consider God as "small"...I need to be reminded that He measures the universe in the span of His hand...that He is clearly evident in all I see around me...the hug from a friend, the snow on my face, or the laughter He gives...He is a big God who is concerned about the little things in my life and loves me intensely. As Brennan Manning would say, "My Abba is very fond of me." It's hard to believe in the tough times...but He's got a reason...a method behind the madness.

And that, my friends, is a reason to be thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving.

The Little Things...

Anyone who keeps up regularly with me or this blog knows full well that it is the little things in life that get me all excited. Well, tonight was one of those nights!

Iowa is cold. After two years in Senegal and then two in SC, this is the first winter I've experienced in four years...and its not even winter yet! This morning as I left for work I was bemoaning the fact that I didn't have a hat to match my brown jacket and blue scarf...I got home from work this evening and lo and behold! There was this lovely blue hat waiting for me!

As you might recall, my French I class begins in six days...but who's counting! Tonight to my dismay, I discovered that Amazon was not going to be shipping my book for class until January...so, I had to make a run to B&N to pick up my book for class. If you've ever read the children's book, "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie", these next sentences will make sense to you. So I got my book and then thought, "Well, if I have a book, I'm going to need a notebook to take notes in." So Mom and I got that taken care of...and then I thought, "Well, if I have a notebook to take notes in, then I need some new fun colored pens to write with!"

It doesn't take much to get me excited...and with the way the last three months have worked out (or haven't worked out, depending on how we look at it!), then it's clear that it's the little things that have kept me going. :) Praise God for the little things...without them, I fear the state I would be in!

My Cathedral

Some dear "anonymous" person left the words to this song on my site a couple days back (Anonymous, I would love it if you would reveal yourself!). I went and downloaded it so I could hear it as I fell in love with the words immediately. On Saturday, my friend Becky and I got up early and went out to see some Autumn colors. We didn't hit the peak of the season (it is this week, apparently!)...but it was still lovely...and a wee bit chilly!

But the whole time I was out, I kept thinking of the words to the song....

My Cathedral
by Chris Rice

Sweetest days of childhood,
Playing in the deep woods,
Stomping through the creek
and feeling oh-so-much alive.

We're camping in the forest,
We join the cricket chorus,
Hum our songs of gratitude
around a crackling fire.

Out here in the stillness,
I found my house of worship
with column trees and canopy of stars,
Here in my cathedral.

It was beneath the blue skies,
I ran down to be baptized,
I felt the river wash me clean
and dried beneath the sun.

To this day believing
I'm wide awake or dreaming,
Scan the ancient sky
and understand where I belong.

Cause out here in the stillness,
I find my house of worship
with column trees and canopy of stars,
Here in my cathedral.

This is where I find my soul,
Out where holy men of old
first knelt in soil
and thanked You for the rain.

Wrote the songs that filled the air,
Harold angels sang their prayer,
out beneath
your darling constellations.

Let me off and wander,
Robin song and thunder,
Surrounding me with stained glass leaves
that change with every breeze.

Out here in the stillness,
I find my house of worship
with column trees and canopy of stars,
Here in my cathedral.


Sutcliffe Bridge.
A place of beauty.
And a good reason to wake up early on a Saturday.

Yeah, the team stinks this year.
But still I say, "Go Hawks."
And so does the person who carved this into the bridge.

After the bridge, we drove to the Palisades Park.
Though we didn't hit the peak of the season, it was still beautiful.

Here we are in my cathedral.

Romans 8

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38-39

As I read through this list of things that can't separate us from Christ I am tempted to add a few of my own...

• not this trial of job hunting
• not this feeling of inadequacy
• not this constant feeling of loneliness
• not this doubt that attacks my mind

Tonight I was reading through Romans 8 and was struck with the truths in that chapter that speak to how much God loves us and the fact that nothing we do or that happens will change that. When we enter into this relationship, it's for life and as a good Father, He knows best...and as I like to say, "God's got it."

God's got this job thing in the palm of His hand and is teaching me through the process. He knows how inadequate I feel due to my situation and speaks love to me through it. He knows how lonely I feel as I'm not connected here and still long for that one person in my life and He walks with me in it. He hears the doubts in my mind and seeks to soothe them with His truth.

Despite my situation and the toll it is taking on me, I've got it good. I have a heavenly Father who is looking out for my best interests...and even when its painful, which it often is, I can still trust Him through it and know that He is leading me this way for His reasons. That's all I need to know. What more could I ever ask? He's good - and in Him is my hope.

Proud and Humbled

Being the night owl that I am, it is forever a challenge for me to get up for work in the morning. Not because I don't want to go to work, but because I can't make myself go to bed at a decent time and I'm tired. This morning was no exception...I was running rather behind. I have made a habit of checking my email before walking out the door. Today, I had one from a dear friend of mine in Senegal who works at Dakar Academy (the school I taught at for two years). However, I did not have time to do anything but skim it. My friend mentioned reading his blog for a spiritual boost...and I didn't have time before I left for work.

The beauty of having a temporary mind-numbing job like mine is that it gives one much time during the day to ponder on a variety of issues. Today I kept thinking about how badly I wanted to get home and read his blog...because I knew it was something about my dear Senegal.

A few minutes ago, I got the chance to read it...and I was humbled and proud at the same time. Proud because DA kids are constantly amazing me and humble because they are amazing.

Before I post a letter written by the assistant-director (who steps in as a relief dorm-parent one night a week with a boys dorm)...I have to ask you to keep Senegal in your prayers. Last week, my best friend, Cori, wrote me and told me that she feels God is really stirring things up in Senegal and is about to do something big.

For those of you who don't know...this is the season of Ramadan for our Muslim cousins. It is a particularly strategic time to pray for Senegal and other Muslim countries. If you are not sure how...read THIS. (A basic guide of how to pray during this month.)

But now for what blew me away...here is the letter written by Dan, the assistant-director of the school...

On a normal Monday evening, I take the boys on the roof for attayah and a devotion. Last night was no different, except that one of the boys asked if we could have an extended prayer time on the roof after the devotion. . . . As we ended our time on the roof, the rains began to come down, and WOW, did it pour, and then the power went out.

Shortly thereafter, the boys came to me and asked permission to all sleep in the living room. They cited two reasons. (1) With the power being out, it was cooler and (2) they wanted to continue their time in prayer.

By 9:00 P.M., every boy was in the living room and it was pitch black. They began to pray. They prayed for each other, for DA, for their parents, for their parents’ ministries, for the administration, for their dorm parents, for the Senegalese people, for God to crush Satan’s power in Senegal. They prayed and prayed and prayed.

Then they began to pray one-on-one with each other; each boy going to all of his dorm mates. Several of them even prayed with and for me. I was absolutely blown away. At around 10:00 P.M., the power suddenly came back on. Several of the boys got up and turned off all the lights while the others continued to pray. . . .

They prayed for the Holy Spirit to empower them to share the Gospel and to give them the courage to love each other and everyone they came in contact with. They prayed for strength, they prayed for God’s armor, they prayed for the Holy Spirit to take control of their lives. . . . They prayed for over two hours!

. . . Your children are . . . a bright light in our lives. . . . They are a testament to your loving affection and guidance. They are a testament to the power of the Holy Spirit. . . . They are a testament to what young boys can do for a world in need of God’s love. . . .

May God bless your day as your boys have blessed my night!

In His Service,

Dan

His Reasons

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently before Him..."
Psalm 37:7

A very beloved friend sent me this verse today.
It was a good reminder for me.
I sense myself becoming restless.
Ready to get moving on with my life.
Rather than treading water here.

Yet, here I remain.
No door has opened yet.

Like a toddler sick of sitting on the lap of her Father.
I am starting to squirm.
Ready to get down and walk.
Exploring as I go.
Finding new adventures.

But He's holding me here.
And I have to believe that He has His reasons.

Somewhere in the Middle

I've been listening to a song lately.
And it has captured my heart.
It has challenged me.

I want to live on the other side.
Beyond the status quo.
Not somewhere in the middle.
Simply because....He's worth it.

Fearless warriors in a picket fence
Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end
And we are caught in the middle

With eyes wide open to the differences
The God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His
Or are we caught in the middle
-Casting Crowns

Confession #387

Confession:

Sometimes I watch shows (Alias, 24, or Lost) on my computer rather than on the TV...
Simply because it makes me feel like I'm back in Senegal...
Just for those 45 minutes...
And sometimes I'll drink kool-aid while I watch...
Because that's what we always used to do...

It's the little things I remember...
And the little things I miss. :)

Word of the Day

Goals.

Mom and I had a chat over lunch today about goals. As expected, her definition and mine are very different. Regardless, tonight I sat down and made a list of "goals" for tomorrow. Most would call it a to-do list...but in my world, these are my very short term goals.

I'm a big picture person, so I struggle with the details of my goals...but I definitely have them. I was informed today that I need to write them down. Since I am also a procrastinator, I will simply say that I will get around to it eventually and maybe even share them for the world to see. But until then, I thought I would share this little quote I found while reading through some old stuff from a friend tonight - goals are important so we have a direction...even if it changes along the way:

"Alice in Wonderland came to a fork in the road. Icy panic stung her as she stood frozen by indecision. She lifted her eyes toward heaven, looking for guidance. Her eyes did not find God, only the Cheshire Cat leering at her from its perch in the tree above.
"Which way should I go? blurted Alice.
"That depends..." said the cat fixing a sardonic smile on the girl.
"On what?" Alice managed to reply.
"On your destination. Where are you going?" queried the Cheshire fiend.
"I don't know..." stammered Alice.
"Then," said the cat, with its grin spreading wider, "it doesn't matter...""

A Distraction

Tonight I was sitting down to write my final research paper for this degree I have been working on for the past two years. I'm still not entirely sure what my topic is which easily leads to distractions.

I have had a lot on my mind lately. Moving. Finding a job. Starting a temp job. Finishing homework. Connecting with friends. All of it has led to a struggle inside me. Is God really as good as I know in my head He is? I know the Jesus answer as well as any other person. But quite frankly, in the sweat, blood, and tears of this life, the "Jesus answer" doesn't always cut it. I don't do well with "trite" answers. Jesus is far more than the "trite" answers we hand out to everyone. That is the Jesus I am after. The One who can put up with my stubbornness, my questions, my insecurities, my tears, and my doubts.

Sometimes answers don't come. Or sometimes they are delayed...indefinitely. Sometimes, He pulls back and watches with the intensity of a Father whose child is learning to walk. Sometimes we fall and He won't come to the rescue, but rather will see if we will keep going simply because we love Him that much and want to reach Him.

"There are times in life when all you can do is gather up everything you know to be true and simply get back up and keep running. Often we are gifted with moments of grace, when Christ's presence seems very near, and at other moments we just keep running because God is worth it.

"That reality is part of our lives here on this planet. Falling is part of the race. There will be moments when our love for God will be tested in a furnace. Will we still love Him even when He doesn't do what we ask Him to do?"
- Sheila Walsh, "All that Really Matters"

Back to my paper...

Adoration

While I was in Disney this past weekend, I experienced so sweet it brought tears to my eyes. A long-time "dream" of my mom's has been to dine in Cinderella's Castle in the Magic Kingdom. So on Friday night, her, the two little girls, and myself all went to the castle. We were treated like royalty from the get-go.

The girls were given wands and called "Princesses" and mom and I were termed "Ladies". We went in to await our turn to go upstairs to the royal table to partake of some wonderfully delicious food (and Coke!) but first, we got to meet Cinderella herself. We had our picture taken with her and I decided that she must be a southern belle in order to stand in those heels with that smile pasted on her face all day long speaking so soft and lady like. Regardless, the magic of Disney was there and it was fun. So we sat down to await our turn, just watching as others were ushered in to the waiting room and got to meet her.

Then came a family with a little girl. All I saw was the look on this little girl's face as she took in Cinderella. It was a look of absolute adoration. It was as if all her little girl dreams were coming true in that moment. She couldn't get enough. She couldn't even speak as Cinderella spoke to her. She just looked. And she smiled. But a smile of utter awe. It was as if time stopped as this little girl just adored Cinderella. Even as they went to take the pictures, the little girl could not take her eyes off Cinderella. And I thought she was going to melt into the embrace that Cinderella gave her. Never have I seen such a look.

Shortly after that, mom informed me that the little girl was a "Make a Wish" child. Even thinking about it now, the tears are so close to the surface.

But then as the weekend progressed, it hit me that the way she looked at Cinderella will probably be the way I look at Jesus one day. As if all my dreams are coming true and I just can't take my eyes off Him.

However, even more than that, that ought to be the way I look at Him now. All my hopes and dreams should be built up in Him so that when I ponder Him, I should have the same feeling as that little girl; that He is it. He's all I ever wanted. Just a little humbling. :)

Side note: the meal was sinfully fantastic and so was the Coke I had craved for the whole week!

Southern Gentlemen

This morning I had to wake up at an ungodly hour.
5:15am.
The sun wasn't awake.
I struggled to think why I had to be.
But I had to go take care of a woman in a retirement home for a few hours.
So I got there by 6:30am.

We chatted.
Then she went to have her coffee and read her paper.
So I sat and quietly waited.
Observing all the people gathered to wait for breakfast to be served.
All the ladies were sitting in the room closest to the dining hall.
And the four gentlemen sat in the hall furthest away.
They looked around and sometimes I'd catch their eye and smile.
Real big.
And with that southern sparkle in their eye, they'd smile back.

Then breakfast was announced.
The mad dash began.
Lots of elderly ladies with their walkers hurried to be seated.
And as all this unfolded, I looked at the gentlemen.

And there they sat.
Grinning at the ladies in their rush.
And finally, when all the ladies were in the dining hall.
The gentlemen got up and made their move.
I love a good southern gentleman.
They know how to be the true meaning of "gentlemen".
And they have an uncanny sparkle about them in all their politeness.

When I went in to help my lady be seated, I looked around.
And there the four men sat, joking with the servers.
Laughing with one another.
And it was music to my ears in such a place.

I still don't think people should be up at that time in the morning.

Amazed

Recently, someone took notice of how awed I am by the simple things in the days. I was talking about this with a friend of mine the other day and we sort of agreed that life is too hard not to allow ourselves to be amazed by the simple things in life.

The other day I heard a thunderstorm approaching, so I went and sat on our front steps to watch it roll in. And you know what? I was amazed! :) It was beautiful and it rained so hard as you can see.

Then I was reminded of a quote by Brennan Manning which I have quoted before, but it remains one of my favorites:

"By and large, our world has lost its sense of wonder. We have grown up. We no longer catch our breath at the sight of a rainbow or the scent of a rose, as we once did. We have grown bigger and everything else smaller, less impressive. We get blase and worldly wise and sophisticated. We no longer run our fingers through water, no longer shout at the stars or make faces at the moon. Water is H2O, the stars have been classified, and the moon is not made of green cheese. Thanks to satellite TV and jet planes, we can visit places available in the past only to a Columbus, a Balboa, and other daring explorers...We get so preoccupied with ourselves, the words we speak, the plans and projects we conceive that we become immune to the glory of creation. We barely notice the cloud passing over the moon or the dewdrops clinging to the rose leaves. The ice on the pond comes and goes...God intended for us to discover His loving presence in the world around us."
-Ragamuffin Gospel

May I never lose my sense of wonder.

Dreams

I devoured a book over the last couple days. It is yet another in the several I have read by Sheila Walsh. The woman seems to just know me and speaks into my life through her writing. And her books seem to get into my hands at just the right time.

This one is no exception.
And since I can't post pics of our trip, I'm going to share some thoughts.

"God has a Dream for your Life" is the title of this latest treat. It talks about dreams that have been lost and how to keep on dreaming. And through it I have discovered that "dreams" are a tricky concept. I have dreams for my life.

Some of which have been abandoned.
Like wanting to be a butterfly when I grow up.
Some of which have yet to be.
Like wanting to speak fluent Swahili, French, and Arabic.
And some of which I am uncertain of what to do with.
Like wanting to be a wife and mom.

But then there are God's dreams for my life. This is where is gets a little hairy. God places in me dreams and desires. And I believe that He does work through those. But they are not promises. And that's where it gets hazy. But then there are dreams that are promises.

Such as growing to be more like Him.
Such as having a deeper relationship with Him.
Such as one day being with Him.

But what about these dreams that I have which aren't promised. Do you continue to hold out hope? Do you abandon them, which in turn avoids disappointment and allows for the element of surprise? I'm still not too sure on that one. I guess God speaks to individual hearts and into specific situations.

But here are a few nuggets from Sheila that I have really been chewing on:

"When a dream dies, we can fix our gaze solely on what lies behind in the dust or, with God's help, we can turn around and dream a new dream."

"What takes us by surprise is when we believe something will really work this time. We invest ourselves body and soul. When the rug is all of a sudden pulled out from underneath us like a tablecloth trick, it's very difficult to recover. Part of our upset is that it didn't work, and part of it is anger at ourselves for being foolish enough to believe it would."

"The temptation has no power in itself. Satan looks at us and he knows who we are. He can't make us do anything, but he banks on the fact that we might not know that. Or at least, perhaps we've forgotten."

"When all your dreams have been crushed and your heart is broken, you stand in the perfect place for resurrection."

"[Jesus] prayed that we would carry His dream. And what was that dream? That we would love one another and that through our love other people would know that God is alive and well. Then people would believe that Jesus had been sent from God to save the world."

An Image of Grace

This week of class has found me wading through a lot of old thoughts and feelings from a very difficult time in my life that on many levels, I am still working through. But today as I sat in class listening to heartbreaking story after story of what people have gone through in life, I realized something...even in the midst of my darkest hour, God was walking with me through those who were around me. Many people don't have the kind of friends who will just sit with you while you cry and not say anything...but just sit and be there. Many people don't have the kind of friends who will let you grieve how you need to grieve and not try to hurry you. Many people don't have the type of friends who recognize that there is a time for laughter and a time for tears and act accordingly. Many people don't have the type of friends who won't give you useless cliches or tell you to have more faith. But I do.

As I have processed and learned things this week in my class, I recognize that I would be a lot less further along had I not had these types of friends around me. They are to me an image of grace. And though I have always been thankful for them, I have never been more so than today when I heard just how many people did not have these type of people in their lives. This picture above represents to me those people who walked with me through that time in my life and who are still today people whom I treasure with my whole heart. There are others, but these were there and have continued to be there through it all.

One of the profs today said the following quote and I think we would all do well to take it to heart as those around us grieve various types of losses...I know to me, it was the most important thing anyone did:

"You will never outgrow the ministry of presence...just being with people and grieving with them."

Class Time

I'm taking a class on counseling for grief and loss this week. It isn't the most uplifting class, but it is great...and really makes me consider life and the various losses therein. There have been many, some big and some small. Everyone has them, even if they don't think they do, they are there and they need to be grieved in some way.

In thinking on my own life, the last 4 years have brought many losses...some of which I have dealt with extensively and others which I still have not. One thing my prof has said and the books have backed up is that grief is never completely over. I have come to realize that it is like trying to package an octopus...just when you think you've got it dealt with and neatly put away, something pops out again.

But of everything that has been shared and said in class...this has hit me the hardest:

"Life may never be the same, but it can be good."

Praise God for that truth. Sometimes it takes awhile to see, but it is certainly true if you choose it.

Sweet Surrender

By all rights, I should be feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed at this point.

But I'm not.
All I can say is that I am being overwhelmed by the peace of God.
I no longer have a job.
I have two finals and a lot of reading to do in the next 12 hours.
I am sleep deprived.
But the stress of the days has faded...
Into the loving embrace of my Abba.
How sweet the surrender.

Tonight I stepped outside and breathed deeply.
The scent of the outdoors after a gentle spring rain.
And the soothing sounds of the evening.
It was beautiful.
As if God were whispering His love to this one who desperately needs it...

As Good as it Gets

“For us who believe, this world is as bad as it will ever get; this is our Hell…we have eternity with God to look forward to. For those who do not believe, this world is the best they will see; this is their Heaven…they have eternity without God, with fire and burning to look forward to.”

These aren’t the exact words, but the idea is present. Our seminary student body president today said this during our chapel time. We were praying through the Lord’s Prayer piece by piece, with the VA Tech incident at the forefront. He then jumped to Revelation 21 where the new heaven and earth are described…and this concept flowed from that. Here on earth, those of us who believe in Christ and trust Him, walking with Him…this is our Hell…this is the worst we will ever experience. We may have difficulties; heartache, persecution, sickness, torture, and death…but that’s as bad as it gets. After this life is over for us, we have an amazing eternity to look forward to. Our tears will be wiped away, our sicknesses gone…we will be in the presence of our Creator and Beloved Lord. It puts it all in perspective for us. However, for those who don’t know Him, trust in Him, or have not given their lives to Him…this is Heaven…this is the best they can ever hope for. They don’t have a glorious eternity to look forward to, but rather, one of torture. This sounds harsh and I know some of you reading this will think I am being a radical Christian-type who is closed-minded…but this is just the truth of the situation. My heart hurts for such people…I know my life, whereas it has been far from awful, has had some heart-wrenching moments where I didn’t want to see another day…and I’ve really had it pretty good.

The beauty of the current situation though is that things can change. Those who don’t know Him can know Him. They can have more to look forward to than this life. They don’t have to live in the fear that this is all there is…that this is, to quote the movie, “As good as it gets”.

Totally random side note:

I took Jack in to the doctor this week...so I have a rental car which I have affectionately named "Harold" for the time-being. He is a Saturn Ion...not my favorite, but he's a little crazy in that he has really good acceleration and takes curves a lot faster than Jack. :)

An Overdue Thank You

Someone sent me these lyrics once upon a time...I was thinking about that person tonight and just wanted to say thank you for these words. They mean the world to me. Still. Life is funny sometimes...but thank God that we live in the reality of His grace and that we have Heaven to look forward to. Friends are a gift...prayer is a true outpouring of love for them. I know I still need it in great doses...and love to offer it for my friends.

Steven Curtis Chapman\Carry You To Jesus
I will not pretend to feel the pain you’re going through
I know I cannot comprehend the hurt you’ve known
And I used to think it mattered if I understood
But now I just don’t know

Well, I’ll admit sometimes I still wish I knew what to say
And I keep looking for a way to fix it all
But we know we’re at the mercy of God’s higher ways
And our ways are so small

But I will carry you to Jesus
He is everything you need
I will carry you to Jesus on my knees

It’s such a privilege for me to give this gift to you
All I’d ever hope you’d give me in return
Is to know that you’ll be there to do the same for me
When the tables turn

And if you need to cry
go on and I, I will cry along with you,
yeah I’ve given you what I have
but still I know
the best thing I can do Is just pray for you

I’ll carry you I’ll take you to Jesus on my knees

Kissed by the sun

Today I was kissed by the sun as I went back to Africa for the afternoon with my friends, Adam and Jennifer and their boys, who became part of my "family" in my time in Senegal.


See, Africa. I wasn't kidding.


Ok, so really it was just the Riverbanks Zoo. But we felt "at home" when we saw this tortoise who is Senegalese. :)


Though I lived in West Africa, East Africa has a special place in my heart...so when I saw this "twiga" my heart was warmed.


And as mean as these guys are...he was pretty cute...blinking his long eye lashes at me...charming me. :) It was a lovely day...sunny and warm...many animals...many Swahili and French words being tossed around...a scavenger hunt in the gardens...and sweet time with my friends. :)

A thought on Proverbs 14

“The wise woman builds her house,
but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.”

Proverbs 14:1

When I first read this Proverb, I was struck by it because it really does show the woman as somewhat of a cornerstone for her household. With God as the foundation, she builds her house. And at first glimpse, it would be easy to cast this off for the married ladies in the world while we single ones get to escape responsibility once again. However, a deeper probing reveals to me that this Proverb is meant for me as well. Though not married, I still have a “house” of friends and family…so what is the atmosphere that I project to those around me? Is it one that a wise woman would choose; one that builds up this house? Or is it one that a foolish woman would build; one that is in a state of destruction?

Which of these women am I? This is the question that is prancing around in my mind tonight…I see the one I want to be, but I know my tendencies. So what does the wise woman look like? James 3:17 gives a very clear definition of the wisdom that comes from heaven. The words that would describe the wise woman would be: pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, merciful, yields good fruit, is impartial, and is sincere. So the questioning begins…are my thoughts and deeds and words pure? Do they build those around me up or do they tear them down? Am I stirring up strife or am I trying to step in the gap and promote peace? Do I think of those outside of myself? If I see someone in need, am I willing to reach out to help them? Am I willing to lay down my own self-interest for that of another? Can I submit to the authorities over me? More importantly, will I submit to whatever God wills in my life…be it rain or shine? Am I merciful to those that wrong me? Will I forgive them and instead of payback, choose to love them with the love of Christ that pours through me? Is my faith contagious? Am I willing to share it and when I do, is a difference being made? Are my prayers effective? Am I praying? Do I show favoritism? Am I willing to be impartial and to trust God with the judging? Am I genuine? Do I do things with all sincerity and people can see my heart in the matter?

It seems to me that the wisdom that comes from heaven rests quietly in the hearts of people. Our actions and words are an outpouring of what resides in our hearts; so I come again to the question: Which of these women am I?

What does the flip side of this wisdom look like? It is impure, conflict-loving, inconsiderate, disobedient, merciless, yields bad fruit, is partial, and is insincere. It paints an ugly picture for the foolish woman. She seems to be a woman who lacks self-control, is self-centered and selfish, who will not submit to authority (including that of God Himself), who, when she sees a need will not step in to fulfill it, keeps her faith to herself, shows much favoritism, and dons a mask.

The foolish woman seems to have a callous heart that is not moldable. She may know the religious jargon, but her actions will betray her words…and if her actions are commendable, her heart will eventually shine through for what it is.

In order to be wise, one must have a heart that is soft and penetrable. Due to its vulnerability, it can easily be broken, but because it is not rigid, it will not be shattered. The Potter can put it back together in a design that He knows fully.

I think the beauty in this whole Proverb is that it is not one of hopelessness. If I find myself falling into the trap of the foolish woman, James 1:5 assures me that I can ask God for wisdom and He will give it to me. And where does wisdom start? It starts with the fear of God (Proverbs 1:7). When we come to grips with our place before God, we will be humbled…and that is where wisdom takes root. In recognizing who God is, we can better see who we are and be in awe of the way He has covered us with the blood of His Son. We know we are undeserving, but loved with a reckless abandon by the One who with wisdom placed the stars in the sky and knows each of their names, who told the oceans they could only go so far, and who created the intricacies of the human body. When we get to that place, the calluses will be removed and our defenses torn down…and wisdom can take root in our hearts. Then we can begin building up our house. A house that will be a secure fortress and will be a place of refuge for our children…or in the case of a single…a place of refuge for those in your “house” (Proverbs 14:26).

29

Tomorrow is a big day in my world. In the morning, Bekah and I are going to go the mall...where we will buy a few things, get makeovers, and just be girly. (Something I don't often do!) If it is nice in the afternoon, we have planned to go to the park and toss the disc or rollerblade/bike. Tomorrow evening she is banishing me from the house for a little bit and when I come back, Lord willing, there will some of my close friends from CIU in our home.

But this big day has brought with it so many thoughts...I guess this really happens every year, so I shouldn't be surprised. My friend, "Mon Amie", asks a few questions every year at this time and I know tomorrow I will have to answer them, so I have been trying to prepare for this.

*What 3 things are you thankful for from the last year?
*What 3 things do you hope to see happen this year?
*What 3 things have you learned in the last year?

So, since this is my site and I can bore you if I want, I'm going to indulge:

3 Thing I'm thankful for from this past year:

1) God putting people in my life who helped carry me through the dark times.
2) My dad buying a canoe this past summer...some of my favorite days this past year were spent in that canoe out on the Res in Iowa.
3) The time I have had with my friends and family...the laughter and smiles still echo in my mind.

3 Things I hope to see happen this year:

1) Graduation and moving back home!
2) To see my loved ones love Jesus!
3) To find that "someone special" in my life!

3 Things I have learned:

1) I have limits...I am not Superwoman!
2) Its ok to cry when you hurt, but its also ok to talk about it with a trusted friend.
3) Swahili...well, at least a little...but I have wanted to learn it for soooo long!

A Chance Gone

Perhaps I am the only one who has ever done this...
You make a decision.
But then you become uncertain.
So you change your mind.
Only later to realize that it had been a good thing.
But its too late.
The chance is gone.
Like a leaf blown away by the wind.
Never to return.

So you pray for comfort.
Ask God to be the arms around you.
You cry a little bit because of your mistake.
And you keep breathing in and out.
You continue onward.
Because really, there is nothing else that you can do.
Wishes don't make it happen.
Memories in your mind won't bring it back.

But you can continue to hope that somehow God will pass on your prayers.
That the chance might hear them.
But walk on.
Knowing that His grace will sustain you in your present reality.

It's the Way We Mend

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..."

When 3:30 in the morning comes along and one is sitting in her bed eyes wide open with voices from the past having a deafening conversation in her mind it's hard to avoid discouragement...and if it were only one night, she thinks, she could handle it...but when its one after another of restless sleep and a smile seems hard to come by the next day due to the pain inflicted, she starts to wonder if it will ever end. Certainly there is a time for everything, and surely God is there in the darkness with her...but there comes a difference between the knowledge of truth and the trusting in it through the black swirling clouds that encompass her. Thankfully her God has placed in her a stubborn streak that refuses to let go of the Hope offered her, but at times, she holds on only by her rapidly breaking fingernails...yet, even so, there is a time for everything...even for this struggle that seems to press on in her soul...with the hope remaining that one day she will overcome those voices and proceed with a life of joy that seems long since forgotten.

Lately you’ve been all blue sky
And I’ve been rain
I don’t mean to bust up your party
With all of my pain

But sometimes my shadows surround me
And you take me in your arms and say

It’s the way we mend
We tear it all down and we’ll start it again
And I don’t know how but you find me where we begin
And that’s just the way, the way that we mend

It’s just that some voices remind me
I’m not strong enough
To put all my demons behind me
And carry this love

But just like an angel of mercy
You take me by my hand and say

They’re pouring out
From my mouth
So many words all spoken wrong
But you come alive
And somehow I find my way

"It's the Way We Mend" By Bebo Norman