planner

my husband always tells people that i am a planner. i guess by necessity i am - and maybe the older i get, the more i like to have a plan. but i'm also not sure i like being pigeon-holed because it just doesn't paint the full picture. 

i'm also the girl who couldn't sit still for more than two years at a time (and let's be real here, i still struggle with that - not a month after we moved in here, i was trying to figure out where we were going next). i'm the girl who would spend her last $50 on gas to go see a friend in the next state. i'm still the girl who would declare a "random beach day" and head there after work. and deep down, i'm still that girl. but three kids later, there are a few more things that need to be in place for me to just jump. but if it's just me, i'll be on the road tomorrow to head to the beach. 

i'm the girl who will jump whole-heartedly into a project only to realize i really have no idea what i'm doing and wing it from there on out (or call in help if it's something important). i'm the one who signs up to be the assistant teacher of a crocheting class even though i have no idea how to crochet more than one stitch. i'm the one who gets chickens and when it's time to put them outside, still hasn't built the coop. but maybe it's my lack of "planner-ness" that enables me to roll with whatever comes. or maybe life has just knocked any sense of control out of me. 

come to think of it, that's probably the more realistic thing here. there was a time in my life when i thought i had control of the things that happened in my life...only to realize i have zero control. and i'm ok with that...mostly. and i think that comes from a faith that has been through fire...and i'm sure will be through much more before all is said and done...because there is so much more room for growth. it comes from all but walking away from my faith but being chased down by what one of my favorite authors calls "the furious love of God". 

i'm still blown away that He wants me. 

me, who just can't seem to let things go. me, who can't get it right, no matter how much i want to. me, who falls so short every single day. me, who sometimes let's her grief get the best of her. me, whose depression eats at her while she tries to stay afloat. me, who loves so deeply, but so imperfectly. 

but God. 

and that right there is my story. His grace is my reality. now and always. and i'm so thankful for that. 

i'm thankful that God is a planner. and not only a planner, but the Master Planner. and what a ridiculous plan - to send His Son as a helpless baby, to put on this flesh and to step into His own creation. and yet, such a marvelous, perfect plan. and so humbling. God, nailed to a tree to die in my place. 

i'm so thankful He knows what He is doing. and i'm so thankful i can trust that His hand is good. .