Held

"This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held"
--"Held" sung by Natalie Grant

My friend Missy introduced me to Natalie Grant's music last night and already some of her songs have come to mean a lot to me. This song, whereas I can't relate to the exact meaning behind it as I understand it, I can relate in other ways. I know what it feels like to feel that you are just surviving...just getting through the days. I've been there. I've walked that road. And looking back from a little further down the road, I see God's grace in it. I see where He was carrying me through. I literally cannot remember the entire first semester of my year. I remember the big things that happened that took me the rest of the year and even until now to bounce back from, but nothing of day to day stuff...but I see God's hand in it. Sometimes I see it so much more clearly than other times. I have been really thinking/praying about how to talk to people about my time in Senegal and I feel like God has finally spoken to me about that. I'm not worked through it yet, but it is so simple. Truth. I can't tell people how great it was or that it was so fun. I mean, those times were certainly there and I did love it in Senegal, just circumstances were not great. So when I was thinking about it, God just laid it on my heart to be real. Before this last year, I asked God to show me what grace really was. I'm still learning that and struggling through it, but with each passing day, it is becoming more clear. Now I'm just asking Him to help me be real with people. There are so many people in the Church who are hurting...I ache for them and just want to be real, because the last thing they need is another person walking by pretending to love God when they are sinking and don't know if they are going to make it. This is a new passion in my heart...just being real and loving those who are hurting. Walking that road changes you forever...it has me. God never said that life would be easy after I accepted His Son...He just promised to be there through it all.

Forgiveness

I'm just going to put myself out there right now and be honest with you. If you are a person of faith, you can pray for me and ask God to help me. Forgiveness. I know I need to ask it of some people, but even more so, I need to be willing to offer it to people who have not asked for it and probably don't care if I give it or not. But I'm not there. I've been pondering this word, tossing it around in my mind hoping that it will somehow sink into my heart and just click in and I will be able to forgive and move on and not struggle with the bitterness, hurt, and anger I feel at heart-wrenching things that happened. I've been praying with the small prayers I have, asking God for the strength to do this very big thing (big for me, not for Him) and I look at it and just don't know how. How do you forgive a hurt so deep that you honestly don't know if you will ever heal? I guess forgiveness is the first step to healing. But it's such a big step. And it's something that I have to do, there is no option...its a choice I have to make and then stand by unwavering. So just incase I am not the only one struggling with forgiving someone(s) who wounded me so deeply, here are a few quotes that I have read recently that have made me think...unforgiveness is such a heavy burden to carry...but as for me, I know only God can get me up onto that step of forgiving those who wronged me...and He alone knows how to do it...because I cannot on my own...I just have to let go completely...but I just can't...it simply hurts too much still. I feel like such a hypocrite.

"I have discovered that forgiving can be a lot like packaging an octopus. Just about the time you think you have it all wrapped up, something else pops out!"

"I am no longer looking to the one who hurt me to make it up to me. I am not waiting for this person to change or apologize. I release them from having to make me OK. I make the decision to look to God to make things right in my life. The person who hurt me is no longer God in my life."

"Forgiveness is about looking the pain straight in the eye and saying, "God is bigger than this.""

"You will never have to forgive anyone more than Christ has forgiven you."

SEALs, friends, and thoughts

There are certain parts of just being back in the States that I love...getting together with people I haven't seen for the last year or so is top on the list. Last night I had dinner with my old roommate, Missy and we talked for a long time after that. She is one of those beautiful people who I can open up to and she sheds light on things that I never saw or believed until she shared her perspective. Today I had lunch with friend Eli who is heading to Bosnia next week for a few weeks and then coming back to life here and doesn't know for sure where he is headed. Tonight I am going to a movie with a friend who has been my friend for years and though we have walked very different paths, there is just a comfort in being with an old friend who knows who you are and still loves you. :)

Today I was working through a devotional thingy that a guy sent me for people who have just come back from being overseas and are re-entering the US. I have been challenged time after time even though I am only only on the second day of the study...but today this thing tied two verses together that I have never put together and I wanted to share because it was pretty cool.

"Your path led through the sea, your way throught the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen." Psalm 77:19

and

"Jesus said to them, "My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I, too, am working.""
John 5:17

It was just a cool reminder that even when I can't see God at work, He is working. Even in this numbness He is working on me and preparing me to be more of the woman He wants me to be. And today He shed a light of hope in a dark place in my heart...it was painful, but oh, so sweet. Healing is a beautiful thing.

I'm reading too many books right now, as is my usual habit. One of them I am reading is called "Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious thoughts on Christian Spirituality". I really like this book...there are parts where I think the guy goes to the borderline, but I love the challenge of thinking outside the box I live in and whether I agree or not with all that he says, he says some really great things. I love this one story he told about a team of SEALs who went in to some area to free some American hostages. The hostages hid their eyes in fear when the SEALs came in and were not healthy mentally or physically and didn't believe that they were really Americans. Here is the paragraph I love...a clear picture of what Jesus did for us:

"The SEALs stood there, not knowing what to do. They couldn't possibly carry everybody out. One of the SEALs, the folksinger's friend, got an idea. He put down his weapon, took off his helmet, and curled up tightly next to the other hostages, getting so close his body was touching some of theirs. He softened the look on his face and put his arm around them. He was trying to show them he was one of them. None of the prison guards would have done this. He stayed there for a little while until some of the hostages started to look at him, finally meeting his eyes. The Navy SEAL whispered that they were Americans and were there to rescue them. Will you follow us? he said. The hero stood to his feet and one of the hostages did the same, then another, until all of them were willing to go. The story ends with all the hostages safe on an American aircraft carrier."

The girl looking back at me

I looked in the mirror tonight and I found that I did not recognize the girl looking back at me. I mean, I have seen her everyday for the last 27 years, but suddenly, I feel I don't know who she is. Sometimes it's as if I can put these last 2 years in a box in my heart and never get it out again, but just leave it to collect dust...as if I am trying to be the person I was when I left...only more real...but its not possible to be the person I was when I left. I don't really even want to be that person anymore...I have learned too much to be her any longer...yet...numb. That's the only word for it. I don't recognize the girl looking back at me because I can't feel her experiences...now or in the past.

My friend Marcy put it this way in a recent post of hers...she has a way with words and her experience was on a different level than mine...but I can still relate so well:

"It's an odd feeling to walk around this place, work at my job, laugh with my friends...as if I am the same person.
As if nothing ever happened, my nightmare never took place.
I carry around with me this entire other life I have lived.
Experiences, people, a home, languages and a culture few will ever know.
I carry it around like a secret jewel in my pocket.

There is always more than what meets the eye."

Lovely...yet numb

Who'd have thought that two of the best evenings would include getting my fingers nearly bit off and freezing half to death. A couple of nights ago I went out with a buddy of mine and had the single most bestest burger I have had in a year. We then proceeded to get some ice cream and bread and walked down to the river to feed the ducks. However, visiting with the ducks were 3 white geese. We are convinced that one of them was blind...I put my hand out with the bread on it and he completely missed the bread and went for my fingers. So, feeling sorry for him (but not wanting to get chomped on again), I put the bread on the ground in front of him...however, being blind, the poor thing couldn't find it. Must be rough to be a blind goose.

Last night I went out with another buddy of mine and we ended up on the top of this hay field just looking at the stars. I haven't seen so many stars since the night the lights went out in Ngaparoo. I was freezing half to death, but it was just beautiful, so I didn't care (though this morning finds my coughing even worse!). It was a helpful reminder that God does have things under control...He is the one who put those stars in place and knows each of their names. I have also found a renewed fondness for lightning bugs. I didn't realize how much I missed them until we were driving along and they lit up the corn fields surrounding us.

I read this this morning in a Boundless.org article, its from CS Lewis in "A Grief Observed":
"When I lay these questions before God I get no answer, but a rather special sort of 'no answer,' he wrote. "It is not a locked door, but a gaze, certainly not uncompassionate, not in refusal, but waving the question, saying, 'Peace child, you do not understand.'"

There is so much I don't understand...so many pieces I am trying to put together from this last year...but I fear that they will never come together and I will be left not knowing and wondering when it will happen again and afaid to put myself out there again. Still so numb...slightly wondering if I will ever feel again.

Starting

It's starting to sink in.
This isn't the Iowa I left 2 years ago.
I do not have a place here anymore.

This is going to be tough, isn't it?

One Day

One day left. Tonight is graduation. Tomorrow we leave for the airport. Time has flown by and I'm not going to waste any time now sitting here and being reflective...that will all come out later, I'm sure.

It's strange how void of emotion I find myself with. I am usually a pretty passionate person about things...I feel deeply. However, for the last few weeks, I find myself numb. Cori and I have been talking about this a lot...I can't quite figure it out except to say that I won't let myself feel right now. I'm leaving my Senegal tomorrow night...at least, I'm leaving for the airport...but I don't feel like this is goodbye to Senegal. I don't feel like I am really leaving. That scares me. It scares me because when it does hit me, it will be too late to really say goodbye. Last night Cori and I got a fire going on a box of memories that I wanted to forget...and I was completely emotionless as I watched the flames eat up all those memories, which was frustrating. Too many tears have been shed this year. I think my well has simply run dry. I'm in need of a sweet summer rain to renew me.

Last Days...

Today was the last full day of school...and the last day for two of my kids. It was nice, we played some games and had a party. It's nice to be able to just hang out with them instead of having to teach. :) Its been an hour since school ended for the day and I have everything off my walls and bulletin boards...tomorrow consists of cleaning out desks and moving our classroom to the other side of the building to a smaller room so grades with more people can have the space that this room offers. It's a bit sad. It's all coming to an end and I won't be here next year to set up and debate about what colors to put on the bulletin boards or to make all these signs. But I know something different lies around the corner...I'm just not sure what yet. I feel numb right now...its like I want to sit and mourn...but I know that there are good times to be had yet in the next few days I have left here...so I won't let myself. I feel overwhelmed with all there is to process. Last night I packed...I think tomorrow night I will have to repack. :) It's amazing how much you can fit into one suitcase and still be under the weight limit!!

Anyhow...ready or not...in 6 days I will be home. Wow.