in late january, a lifelong friend of mine called me to tell me a close mutual friend went into heart failure and would not be alive much longer. this close friend fought a demon called alcoholism...and it killed him in the end. we knew he didn't have a long time left and i had been figuring out when i could get back home to see him before it was too late. i asked my friend if he thought our friend would be alive in another 24 hours...could i make it to say goodbye before he passed. he didn't know. i hemmed and hawed. finally, my fifteen year old son called me out. "mom," he said, "why haven't you already left? this is your friend." he was right. before getting married and having a family, i would not have hesitated even a millisecond to just go and hope i could make it. so we left a couple hours later. i prayed for the whole 12 hour trip that my friend would hold out long enough. we arrived at 3am, and after talking to his ex-wife, decided to get a couple hours of sleep before heading to the hospital. i made it in time. he knew i was there. i told him since he wasn't going to come see me, i decided to come see him. he couldn't really talk much, but i took his hand and he looked at me a couple times as if trying to believe i was really there. i sat with him and his family for eight hours. he died 12 hours later. i wasn't able to be at his funeral a week later because we had to pivot.
shortly after we got home, my sister-in-law texted me to tell me that her husband, who has been fighting synovial sarcoma for three years had gotten a not-so-great report and they were going to try an aggressive chemo starting the next week. my husband has driven up and sat with his brother through several chemo rounds and we debated about this one. he wasn't sure he wanted to drive up after having just got back home. however, with my regret of not getting back home to see my friend while he was still up and around as a fresh perspective, i told him i thought he should go. that i didn't want him to ever regret not being there like i did. he went.
the week started out normally. and then it went downhill. fast. my brother and sister-in-law are our favorite people in the world. my husband kept calling and texting me how quickly things were going downhill. and soon it became evident that the end was very near. so the kids and i pivoted again. we knew we would be coming up for a funeral and to spend time with the cousins. i didn't feel guilty about not coming to say goodbye to him because we said goodbye every single time we left. i always knew i might not see him again. but reality is not a hypothetical. we will have his funeral on saturday. and as his wife told me tonight, it still feels like he's just gone somewhere, he will be back. but reality is, he won't. and there is a huge gaping hole in all our hearts that he used to fill. i know i will see him again One Day, but it hurts in the present.
this year has not been kind. i feel numb in so many ways, but then the tears come and the hurt wells up and i wonder if it will ever not hurt. and then i remember, i've been through grief before. it doesn't ever not hurt. it just hurts differently. and God can be seen in the grief. this has been no surprise to Him. He knew that there would not be twelve more weeks of chemo to try to get through, He knew and moved our hearts to the right places at the right times. He used my friend's death to prompt me to push my husband to go be with his brother. those kindnesses make the difference. seeing His hand in it doesn't lessen the pain, but makes it the tiniest bit more bearable.
grief has always made me numb. but grief upon grief. it's a lot to carry. and we are only just barely in march. it makes me long for Home. no more tears. no more sadness. no more death. just Jesus.
