Another LOTR Quote

I love this passage from LOTR...it often rumbles through my mind. Today is one of those days.

"I can't do this Sam.";

"I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.";

"What are we holding on to Sam?";

"That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.";

- Sam to Frodo, at Osgiliath

Trust

"Trust hangs somewhere between knowing what your heart longs for and trying to dictate the shape or timing or outcome of your heart's desire. It lies in the willingness to accept the particulars of how and when and where God chooses to intervene. It waits in the cool shade of surrender."

-Paula Rinehart, "Strong Women, Soft Hearts"

Leviticus 13

So my evening routine of sitting in the library attempting to study led me to the reading/listening of Leviticus 13 tonight. And simply put, I discovered my least favorite chapter of the whole Bible. I don't know if its disrespectful to say I have a least favorite chapter of the Bible...I certainly don't mean it that way, I simply mean that as I was reading/listening to it, it made me squirm in my seat as it talked about a hair in a sore and what color that hair was. Gross, no?

So that was my evening. Reading/listening to Leviticus in attempt to catch up on my work. And Lord willing, I'll get there. :) Some nights my time in the library is inspiring. Tonight was not one of those nights. :)

I watched her from afar…
Frustrated tears streaking down her cheeks.
A visible pain in her heart.
A look of vulnerability in her eyes, which betrays the distance she keeps.
Stuck in a lonely prison that seems so dark.
Wondering if she will ever feel the cool breeze of joy on her face again.

When did your course lead to the downward spiral you are on?
When did the walls go up that you fight so hard to keep?
(Even though it’s clear you want them brought down.)
Where has your hope gone?
Has it left you all alone?
Abandoned you in this storm?

Chin up, sad girl.
Hope is just around the corner.
Smile, lonely girl.
Love is here.
Feel free, child.
Cry your heart out into His chest.
He is strong enough.
His arms will hold you tight.
His words will ease your pain.
And His grace will be sufficient for you.
In all your days.

Saturday

It's Saturday...no getting up before the sun...no managing of many children...or even being in the school. It is a quiet day of homwork and Panera (thanks to the internet being down at school). By God's grace alone, I made it through the week...every moment asking not that it be easy but that He would simply meet me there. And He did.

As I went through the week, I found myself often homesick for Senegal. The place where I knew how things worked, I knew everyone there, I felt loved, and I knew what to expect (to some extent). So last night, when I finally allowed myself some downtime, I was reading through some things I had written in the past few years...just thought I'd share a few of these with you... obviously, these are from when I was leaving....

"As I have been back in this place (Senegal), I have been living in these moments of saying goodbye…I have breathed in Africa like a sweet fragrance that I will not forget….etched forever in my mind…its rhythms beating in my heart. All in slow motion, yet my time is now gone. Memories are my gift…ever with me…ever playing themselves in my mind."

"You have echoed with my laughter,
You have nearly drown in my tears,
You have been a fire for this shapeless piece of metal.

I am leaving you soon,
You who I have come to love,
You who found a place in my heart."

No Compromises

I looked in Mom and Dad's fridge today and saw some Kraft cheese slices when all of a sudden I was overcome with a memory from my college days and my roommate, Brina. Brina and I would do much our shopping together, sharing the staples in a household...at the time, I drank 2% milk and she drank skim...so we compromised and to this day I think we both drink 1% milk. However, I remember shopping with her one time and we were buying cheese slices (another staple in my fridge!)...and I went for the Kraft and she told me to get the generic stuff. Well, if you have lived with me or know me, you know that there are two items on which I will never compromise...peanut butter and cheese slices. JIF Extra Crunchy all the way...and my Kraft singles. Brina was insistent that I couldn't tell the difference and I assured her that I could. Well, apparently sometime after that, she decided to test me. She had bought some generic cheese slices and put them into my Kraft wrapper without my knowledge. I remember eating those slices and making some remark about how awful they tasted and how they must have gone bad or something to that effect. It wasn't until sometime after that when she 'fessed up and told me that she had tested me...and was amazed that I could actually tell the difference. Needless to say that by the time I closed the fridge today, I was laughing pretty hard. And when I talked to Brina tonight, she got a good kick out of it and is still amazed that I could really tell the difference (but she is living it all over again with her husband now...who believes like me!)

But as I was thinking about this no compromise on cheese and peanut butter...I got to thinking about areas in life where I do compromise. And then I got to thinking about areas where I cannot compromise in my life. My faith in Jesus is one of those areas...in 1999 I made a decision to follow when ever and where ever He wanted me...and when I consider the things I struggle with, I realize that many times it would be much "easier" to live a lukewarm life of "faith"...but its not worth it...why would I want to live in the middle of the road when I know which side I need to be on and on which side gives life? John talks about life abundant in Christ...but life abundant can really only be found in a life of no compromise...a life where Jesus is my first love. Compromise is tempting sometimes...but it cheapens the grace given us...and isn't nearly so sweet. Ha, much like that cheese....looks similar and is cheaper...but tastes pretty nasty. :)

A Tunnel

“When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”

-Corrie Ten Boom


I only hope the tunnel ends soon.

Gone Fishing.

Sometimes things just don't make sense at all. And its really frustrating and confusing.

But somehow, going fishing with my dad tonight made things a little bit better...not clearer, just better.

But he still caught more fish than I did.

Winding Down...A Prophecy Fulfilled.

Perhaps I have been thinking hermeneutically too much today. We had to do an assignment on a prophetic passage and had to determine its fulfillment(s)...it was a bit of a rough assignment. But as always, I love a good challenge and found it to be rather interesting at the same time.

After I got done with my run/walk tonight, I went and sat down by the prayer towers to just have a few minutes away from the chaos of the day when I just burst out into a huge smile, my heart overflowing with joy, and I could hardly contain it. It's not the first time in these last several weeks this has happened. However, tonight I put it in context of a prophecy...a prophecy fulfilled. (At least in the sense of a split or multi-reference fulfillment.) :)

When I got here to CIU, I was still pretty broken about all the "stuff" that happened in Senegal last year. My heart was still heavy and full of pain. However, before I came here, God gave me a verse...tonight I will refer to it as God's prophetic verse to me (ha, I hope that's not heretical or anything!)...It comes from Jeremiah 31:3-4 where God declares His everlasting love for Israel and His drawing her with loving kindness...that He will build her back up (which implies that there was a time of tearing down)...and that again she would take up her tambourine and dance with the joyful. God gave me this verse when my heart had been shattered...when my life was pretty much in ruins and I couldn't believe for the life of me that smiles would ever come easy again or that joy would ever befriend me. So when I got here to CIU, I wrote that verse on my whiteboard that sits on my desk to remind me daily of what I believe He had promised me.

Tonight as I sat there bursting with joy, I realized...the prophecy has been fulfilled. Now, this by no means implies that I have got it all figured out and that another hard day will never come. On the contrary, joy proves its presence in the difficult times...it is not a fairweather friend! In fact, today was an incredibly stressful day, but underneath all that stress was joy. And it has hit me that though I know God is still building me up and making me the way He wants me to be...that He has drawn me with His loving-kindness...He has placed me in this environment that is safe and full of people who simply love me the way I am. That is His love shining through them. He has allowed me, through many outlets to be built back up to a place where I don't have to struggle everyday when I wake up to make it through the day or just to smile. When I thought about it, I realized that there was about a 6 month period last year when I didn't smile...at all. But He is the God of healing. He has indeed given me the ability to take up my tambourine and dance with the joyful. I have longed for this...for over a year now. And just tonight I realized that He has been so faithful. Always so faithful. Working quietly behind the scenes to heal me with His love.

So as things are winding down here for my first year, I am thankful. Thankful for the friends that God has so richly blessed me with here. Thankful that though I am still rather clueless about what is next in my life, that He has it under control and will work things out. Thankful that I have had the time with these that I love and in 9 days get to go be with others that I love for a short time before heading out to yet another "home" in Senegal. He is so good...I cannot imagine this life without Him...the hope that He instills in me is lifegiving...it keesp me going when nothing makes sense. He is just so faithful...regardless of the situation.

It is Finished

The divine plan
Set into place at the start
The Creator took on human flesh
With all its fraility
Giving up Heaven
He walked among His creation as one of them
This Christ was not expected
One who would make wine from water
One who would delight in children
One who would be at ease with the "sinners"
And One who would constantly frustrate the "religious"
This Christ showed us a new face of Love
In temptation He did not give in
In the circumstance of pain, He gave comfort
In constant misunderstanding, He was a patient teacher
In the midst of hate, He loved deeply
He was perfection living among imperfection
Yet He took on our imperfection
Allowing Himself to be put on the cross in our place
Never was there One so innocent
So undeserving of the cross
Yet because of His great love for us, He endured its shame
Giving up His life with the words, "It is finished!"
No longer do we have to be separated from our Creator
No longer does sin reign in us
No longer can Satan accuse those who are God's children
"It is finished", but it is not the end of the story...
He didn't stay in the grave
He went on to conquer death
And now sits at the right hand of the Father
Interceding for us

We have been caught up in a love story
He is recklessly pursuing us
If we but choose this Jesus to trust and obey
We will be free indeed
Peace and joy residing within us
With eternal life in His presence to anticipate
And with Love promising never to leave us...ever.

I Wanna Dance

"And I wanna dance
I wanna snap my fingers all night long and dance
I wanna move around the room just like a woman in a trance
All night, I wanna dance
I wanna wrap my arms around your neck and dance
I wanna listen to the music that's been ringing in my ears
And one day I’m gonna dance my way right outta here"
-"Dance", Caedmon's Call

I pulled out this CD the other night, "Long Line of Leavers" by Caedmon's Call. I love this song. It has a really great beat and its just fun. In college, a bunch of used to go out and go dancing when the salsa band was in town. None of us really knew how to salsa...but we always had fun. I really love to dance. I'll be the first to confess that I really do have two left feet and look like an idiot...but I love weddings because I love to dance. And that's one of the primary times when I get to do it! But I was thinking about this song and thinking about dancing and joy and all that good stuff. I've been weighed down with heavy thoughts this last week...and that is not necessarily a negative thing...but there are times when I just want to cast it all off and have things be light. I guess one would call that freedom. And honestly, Jesus is the only place I have found that freedom...freedom to know that all really is in God's hands..its not just a cliche; something I just say...its real. He really does have it. I really don't need to worry. I'm good at worrying...but if I trust, there is no reason for it.

So today, I was reading and I ran across this paragraph...it really hit me square between the eyes and challenged me. I don't live with enough joy in my life. I don't like ambiguity. I don't live like I'm in the middle of a great Love Story. But I am learning...anyhow, enjoy. :)

"History attests that religion and religious people tend to be narrow. Instead of expanding our capacity for life, joy, and mystery, religion often contracts it. As systematic theology advances, the sense of wonder declines. The paradoxes, contradictions, and ambiguities of our life are codified, and God Himself is cribbed, cabined, and confined within the pages of a leather-bound book. Instead of a love story, the Bible is viewed as a detailed manual of directions."
-"Abba's Child", Brennan Manning

Tenderness

It's late...or if you rather, it's early. Either way, I should probably be in bed...but thoughts are churning in my mind and that Coke I drank an hour ago is taking its toll. So I thought I would share with you some ramblings of a ragamuffin. However, these are not my thoughts, but rather from one of my favorite authors...yep, you guessed it, Brennan Manning. I know, you were concerned that you haven't heart about Abba's Child for awhile...sorry to say, I had to put it down in order to read 3 other books last week. :) But I read this yesterday and think its worth passing on....

"Tenderness awakens within the security of knowing we are thoroughly and sincerely liked by someone. The mere presence of that special someone in a crowded room brings an inward sigh of relief and a strong sense of feeling safe. The experience of a warm, caring, affective presence banishes our fears. The defense mechanisms of the impostor--sarcasm, name-dropping, self-righteousness, the need to impress others--fall away. We become more open, real vulnerable, and affectionate. We grow tender....

"...How would you respond if I asked you this question: "Do you honestly believe God likes you, not just loves you because theologically God has to love you?" If you could answer with gut-level honoesty, "Oh, yes, my Abba is very fond of me," you would experience a serene compassion for yourself that approximates the meaning of tenderness."

Tale of Grace

"....crooked little smile upon her face...tells a tale of grace...that's all her own..."
-"Seven Years", Norah Jones

Tonight I had a conversation with a friend of mine about where we've come from in the past...you know, all the old stuff that we aren't proud of, but is part of the story of who we are. I got to thinking this evening about how we each have a tale of grace that is all our own. Today, I soaked in some sun and started reading "Abba's Child" for real this time...and I ran across this:

"...but anything exposed by the light will be illuminated and anything illuminated turns into light (Ephesians 5:12-14)...God not only forgives and forgets our shameful deeds but even turns their darkness into light....In a futile attempt to erease our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others."

Ok, granted, mostly in this chapter he is talking about wounds and being a "Wounded Healer"...but I thought it applied well to our individual tales of grace...God can turn ANYTHING into light...and that's pretty sweet in my book because I know the ugly past that I have. God is good. :)

Hush

"Hush little baby, don't say a word
Daddy's gonna buy you a great big heaven to rest in
He's bought it with blood
And put the seal on your heart
It'll give you the hope you need
To get up and start again."

-Hush, Waterdeep

Strength.

"As for God, His way is perfect;
the Word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him.
For who is God besides the LORD?
And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
He enables me to stand on the heights."
Psalm 18:30-33

I was overwhelmed today, the first day of classes, with the amount of work that is going to have to be done this semester. But just a few minutes ago I was reminded that God is my strength and He will enable me to do these things that He has called me here to do. Wanted to encourage you with that as well.

As Pastor Owusu-Baafi would say: "God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good....And the best is yet to come!"

Deeper Still

Tonight I rose up with the moon,
and looking down from high above
I saw a world carved and confused
into valleys deep in need of love
And falling down all thick with grace,
Heaven's cloud of mystery
Was filling every empty space,
down to the depth of human need

-Bebo Norman, "Deeper Still"

Anonymous. A word that just kills a curious person as myself. I don't know who commented a couple of days ago with these words, but much thanks. These words just hit the nail on the head. The world is in such need of Love...and God's grace is what can fill every nook and crany of that need. I mean think about it, He's everywhere...who brings the new buds to the trees after a harsh winter? This one always gets me...who feeds the sparrows in the cold, snowy months? They don't fret because they know that their Creator will provide. Sparrows always inspire me not to fret, but to simply believe. God sustains our very life and goes beyond that to give us His Son so that we can spend eternity with Him. Someone once told me, "Your reality is God's grace." As much as I didn't want to believe those words at the time, they are Truth. God's grace-His forgiveness and love that I don't deserve-that is the reality that I live in...that is what keeps me going.

Brennan.

So can I just say that if you ever have the opportunity to hear Brennan Manning speak, go for it! The man has such a beautiful grasp on grace and he helps bring about a new understanding of it through sharing his own life, which has been filled with many ups and downs!

I just wanted to share some of the thoughts that hit me from the weekend's retreat...

In God's loving us, He has made us lovable.

God not only loves you, but He likes you, too!

Healing our image of God heals our image of ourselves.

Breathe in and breathe out the following statement daily, "Abba, I belong to you."

If you truly believe you are Abba's child, "notify your face!"

Our primary identity is as Abba's child.

"How can you say you love me if you don't know what hurts me?" God truly knows what hurts us and truly loves us.

God says to us, "I expected more failure from you than you expected from yourself."

The only way people are going to understand that they are treasured by God is if we treat them in that way.

My Story

"I was the lion." And as Shasta gaped with open mouth and said nothing, the Voice continued. "I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you."

"Then it was you who wounded Aravis?"
"It was I."
"But what for?"
"Child," said the Voice, "I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own."

-CS Lewis, "The Horse and His Boy" (Chronicles of Narnia)

Sometimes God brings comfort. Sometimes He brings protection. Sometimes He brings pain. Someday when this life is over and I stand face to face with Him, I want to ask Him what my story is. I want to see this tapestry in its fullness. I know many of the situations in which He has brought me comfort. I know of a few times when He has protected me, though I am sure there are infinitely more. And I know of the periods when He has orchestrated pain in my life...I want to know what the purpose was. I want to see this life through His eyes. But I'm not there yet.

As for now, I must live content in what I do know...simply that He is good...not safe, as Lucy discovered, but certainly good. When life pulls the rug out from underneath me, I can rest assured that He is good and loves His children. Show me grace, though...I'm a slow learner and am still learning to believe it in my heart at times.