I've had a lot of people tell me in the past three weeks just how brave I am for picking up and moving to a place where I don't know anyone. It makes me intensely uncomfortable when they say it; moving out here wasn't about being brave, it was about taking the next logical step in a dance of trust with my God. He leads, and I try to follow - though I usually have two left feet.
There have been so many moments in the past three weeks where I wanted to dissolve into a puddle of tears. I have closed my eyes tightly and balled up my fists a number of times hoping that if I tapped my heels together I would open my eyes and be in one of the three other places I call "home". So far, neither thing has happened. I have felt overwhelmed, scared, sad, lost, lonely...and yet there has been an undertow of peace and contentedness that has pulled me through.
Everything is new. For someone who loves adventure, that is marvelous. For someone who is an introvert, that is exhausting. I am both. Every time I walk into a church or a small group or go to hang out with someone I just met, I think to myself, "What are you doing? Why are you here?" And I'd like to say that every time I am on the other side of the experience I say "Wow, that was wonderful!" But I don't. The awkward moments haunt me and sometimes I dread the next new thing. But I'm learning that all that is left to do is fall back on a God who loves me beyond what I can grasp most of the time and push through.
This is not bravery. This is simply a picture of the grace that is my reality. It is scary and it is hard and it is not always pretty. But it is grace that carries me through and pushes me forward.
Thank You, Abba, for finding me tonight
Thank You for leading me home
Thank You for a tender grace
That grabs hold and doesn't let go
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5 comments:
I think bravery is in the eye of the beholder - eg a firefighter saves a child from a burning building doesn't consider himself a hero, just thinks he's doing his job and his happy with the outcome. Bravery also doesn't mean that you're not allowed to be scared. I think your braver than you give yourself credit for - sorry if that made u uncomfortable :) Love U!
You Are Faithful.
Peace and Grace to you.
AMEN sister!
I know I've said it before, but it bears repeating...I LOVE the way you express yourself!
Brave? Hmmm...not sure, but certainly doing what you know you are being led to do and in that you are safe. You are always in the right place when you are where HE leads you! ENJOY all of it, every minute, every hour, every day. And, thank you for allowing the rest of us to share in your life with you like this!
MUCH HUGS!
Kath
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